I’ve been pretty quiet lately. Barely posted on instagram, not even had chance to text my friends and here’s why.
I went back to full-time work.
Now I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal maybe. It didn’t to me before. I figured life felt fairly organised, and I was ready. This couldn’t be so hard? Especially as I’d be working from home? Get Josh’s packed lunch and little Fireman Sam bag ready the night before, keep up with the meal planning, it would all go smoothly.
And add into that the motions of a round of IVF…I was asking for trouble. It’s not been all bad, but it has felt like life’s been turned upside down in places, and I’m still trying to piece it all back together. So here’s a little on life lately. Grab a cuppa (I’ll have a chai latte as usual), it’s time for a catch up.
The sibling quest
I did a quick video update on our IVF journey last month. Well since then it’s felt a little like we’ve been in limbo. A surprise round of tests were requested by the clinic which took some negotiating with our insurance company, a a fair bit of emailing back on forth. Finally last week we both had our tests done and I made the dreaded trip for the NK Biopsy. It might sound weird to say, but part of me hopes the results show I have high levels of it. That would give me a reason the IVF hasn’t worked in the past and treatment to try. Sounds crazy right? IVF can make us all crazy sometimes.
Really, as I know the rest of my test results should come back fine, there isn’t really anything stopping the clinic making arrangements with our donor now, which fills me with both excitement and worry. Although most egg donations seems to go perfectly well, I would hate for someone to have a bad reaction to it, for us. I’d feel like I caused it. I’ll be nervously waiting, not just to hear how many eggs there hopefully are, but whether she has come through it all okay. Really I should hear any day on the dates for that side of it. Cross your fingers for us?
We’ve all been chasing our tales. Working to pay the bills, IVF and grab some family days in between. Trying to keep our home tidy (both of us say it doesn’t feel like home unless things are in their place), I redecorated my home office (room tour here if you’d like to see), and most importantly trying to make play with Josh a priority around deadlines. I see in every day life how intrinsically time to play with us with no distractions, is linked to his behaviour and self esteem. I often feel the push to work more and just “pop him in front of the TV” but that just isn’t me. I know I’d regret that one day and fiercely protect our 1:1 time. I’d rather work past midnight than squirrel away upstairs while he watches hours of Octonaughts. That’s not my kind of motherhood. The washing can wait, a coffee can be made at 11pm. The afternoon is our time to play. I’m lucky just to be a mum.
This has led us to notice we are spending way too much time on our phones. I stupidly downloaded the facebook app (I was selling some of the junk room before it became the office) and got into scrolling mindlessly like we all do. Steve is terrible for it too. Sucked into viral videos. We tend to be mindful of it around Josh, but take each other for granted after he’s gone to bed. I’ve deleted facebook and twitter (still trying to persuade Steve too) and we are going back to popping phones in the charging station when we come in the door. Not that we won’t use them, but when you have to make the effort to go in the kitchen to use it each time, it rubs the novelty off googling who won love island (I so wanted it to be Camilla, didn’t you? She seems like my kind of girl). We’ve booked some mini adventures to get us all making memories and to secure that ever growing bestie feeling we all have. This week it was staying up past 10pm on Felixstowe beach to watch the carnival fireworks.
The last 3 years (well longer if you count the adoption assessment and matching) have been spent thinking all about Josh and supporting Steve through his promotion. I wouldn’t change that at all, but this year I’ve started to focus a little more on myself. I’ve done something I’ve been dying to do since I knocked my tooth out at 17. I’m getting braces. Literally I pick them up this week! You probably won’t be able to notice them as they are clear Invisiligns, but I put all my freelance money towards them last year, only to then find out we’d be moving. It all went on the back burner until I got sick of hiding my smile, and feeling the problems with the wonky fake tooth the dodgy dentist stuck in my mouth as a teenager. 18 years later, I’m putting things right, and I could pop with excitement. It’s going to take a long time to work, but it’s amazing to feel I’m on my way to it. Anyone had experience with them? How long did your smile take?
I’ve also started Pilates twice a week which I can already feel is giving me new strength, been filling in my Love yourself lean diary (love the gratitude and food diary parts especially) and we are trying to do a mini run as a family on the weekends. Last weekend ended in an ice-cream sundae at Christchurch house, but at least we ran before hand!
A new addition
I can’t believe I just wrote that heading. I can’t stand click bait, and “a new addition” is rife as a title on youtube. Urgh. Anyway, if you watched the last vlog or follow my random clips on Instagram, stories, you’ll know we have our first family pet, a Continental giant rabbit that Josh has named Lilly. Technically a cat called Coco was our first family pet, but as she once went for Josh as a baby, I’ve decided she can’t have that title (don’t worry she just moved in with Steves Grandma).
I’ll admit I wasn’t really expecting Lilly to feel like we have a puppy. She is as excitable, as likely to chew on wires and will do anything for a treat. We’ve been experimenting with letting her in the house to see whether we feel comfortable with her being part house rabbit, and she has passed the test of being allowed downstairs. She will occasionally sneak upstairs like a ninja, but I can see from the glint in her eyes, she knows that’s not allowed. Two wee’s next to my bed sealed that fate.
She’s been teaching Josh a lot on the importance of sitting still and patience. Not something 3 year old little boys generally value. When you are desperate to cuddle a shy fluffy white rabbit though, you have to learn to play the long game.
Youtube has very much gone back to being my hobby. There is no pressure for it to become an income anymore. I just post what I want, when I want, and if anything, I think the last few videos have been better. Not better as in a 5 star video. I don’t think I’m the best editor or have the most interesting life, just better as in, closer to why I started. I’m just playing with my camera and being as honest as I can. I hold back more than I’d like. Just in terms of sharing my opinion. Sharing publicly can do that to us can’t it. I’m gradually trying to speak up a little more though. It’s incredibly subjective isn’t it, this video stuff. I’m making the things I’d like to look back on and the things I wish had been there for me to find during tough times. I feel like I’m finding my feet with it again. My space. I’ve resisted any sponsorship requests that have arrived in my inbox because it feels more like an online diary over there. You don’t have an ad for a nappy brand in the middle of your diary do you? That’s not to say I never will work with anyone, but it would have to be something we already want to do to get past me now. We all change over the years so the way we share gradually changes too. So many friends have been saying they are feeling stressed in the rat run of youtube, and when it’s your family income I can totally see why. I’m really grateful I’ve been able to go back to it being a hobby. I don’t want it to be my job and that makes it so much more enjoyable. I hope it can feel like we are just having a chat over there too.
Goals for August
I’m a list maker at heart, so these are a few of the things I want to do and work on in August
- Make more time for friends and have at least one group night at ours
- Go back to making lists for my work day the night before
- Leave our phones in the charging station 80% of the time at home
- Only post videos, that I feel I’ve had time to be a little creative on
- Lose a little weight through exercise and just plain eating healthy, nothing crazy
- Help Josh to finally get that last bit of confidence he needs on his scooter
What would be on yours?